My Journey Into Porn Addiction Part: 2

When some time passed after the first experience I had with sex at 17 years old, I came to realise CONSCIOUSLY that sex is a means to an end, not a drug of choice. But SUBCONSCIOUSLY my primal nature was determined to attaining the impossible. Air brushed fantasy can never compete with reality, Fantasy wins everytime compared to the truth, since it is very often hard to handle.

The truth about sex is that it takes work, you have to put forth an effort to attract and attain gratification from a female. And also that pleasurable satisfaction.. Takes time, patience, skill, articulation and precision.

When you court a female, you need to put up a persona… A particular manner of behaviour that triggers a females primitive sensors that make her think and see you as attractive. The typical female has two sides.

The lower consciousness and the higher consciousness where reason, logic and calculation readily reside. She uses her higher conscience mind to make decisions & weighs out the outcome. For instance, when choosing to date a guy, She might be a young woman still in College, She considers herself a Christian, knowing it would be a very long time before she officially meets a guy to settle down with, she might (In her subconscious mind & primal nature without being aware of it ) be open to the idea of casual sex with a specific kind of a guy who meets her specific sexual preferences or desires. Although she might not go around looking for such a candidate, If one guy supposedly came close to those type of traits she wants, it might not be so difficult for him to get into her.

But the typical, Beta boy, Nice guy, Nerd type or Evangelical Christian male might not have such a great chance at having intercourse with her. They look for those types of men in the later stages of life.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vO3VT0EsBZg

“So having weighed out the odds of what is required to attain my desire, I decided to act accordingly. I played the whole “Bad boy” thing for some time to attract some females, managed to actually score with a few of them. One of them was an incredibly attractive young girl who was my cousin’s friend, met her at my other cousin’s birthday celebration.

She’s the only one I’ve actually been proud of having attained, through nothing but effort and determination. Although it only took two weeks to sleep with her. Still, That was one hell of an accomplishment for me at that point in time.

I managed to follow the usual courtship methods of society to attract girls for quite sometime till I became bored of it, It wasn’t quick enough and the odds were usually bad less often times good. More times than not, I’d get last minute resistance for sex, the few times I did receive it, It felt unworthy of the effort I put in. I’d sleep with a girl, not get any satisfaction then watch porn later to relieve the tension.

So I decided to quit it and just continue with Porn instead. This went on for a few years until I was introduced by a friend to the degenerate world of escorts.

We were walking during the night as we talked, about the experience he had when visiting an escort one day, how she was so attractive, healthy looking, young, fresh & sexy. Not the typical hookers he was used to visiting, In the dirty streets of the city.

These were sophisticated, college students… Supposedly looking for some extra funds for school necessities. I was enticised by his detailed description of these females so i ended up going ahead with him to the place.

We came to a small house with a few rooms outside, As we entered, A man carrying a bottle of vodka was standing, talking to a group of guys who were seeking girls to host a bachelor party and wanted the services of the escorts. We went passed him and were approached by a bunch of young ladies, 3 to be exact. One of them was thick & very fit, The other had an average body but very attractive facially and finally the other was tall, slim, athletic figured, Big bulging eyes with short dyed hair. She looked like one of the typical Porn star type chicks I was incredibly infatuated with, so I went on ahead and chose her.

She led the way into this small, clean room. There was a sound system with no music playing, a bed on the edge of the corner and a small table with all the paraphernalia of condoms.

Without going into too much detail, it happened. That was the very first time I had engaged in sexual intercourse with a hooker. On the way back home, me and my friend were cracking jokes about the whole situation, it was all fun and laughter. Him teasing me, “You’re finally a man !” “The pent up tension and stubbornness has finally decreased!!”

As we were walking, I was having my own private discussion in my own head.

“What was I doing ?” “Is this the kind of person I want to be for the rest of my life?” “What would God think about this?” “What’s really becoming of me, All my beliefs, All my morals, All my self worth is slowly going down the drain…” ” I don’t even know who am I anymore”

I bought a bottle of beer on my way home to numb the thoughts and pain I was feeling.”

Even though I wasn’t too proud of myself on the inside, I successfully managed to put up a fake persona to everyone around me. My friends in the faith, my worldly associates, my family and Even myself. The only person I could not lie to was God. He knew me deep within and what was going on with my Spirit on the inside.

Pornography like any hardcore drug managed to scar my conscience so badly, I could not differentiate right from wrong. My conscience mind was completely numb to the damage I was putting myself through, Along with everybody else too. There is not enough research on the true effects of Pornography on the mind. How it can literally cause permanent brain changes to an individual.

http://www.thetruthseeker.co.uk/?p=57340

It has been scientifically proven by independent research professionals, That the brain scans of regular hardcore porn viewers is significantly impacted negatively. Compared to the brain scans of healthy individuals who do not watch Porn. Scientific research, as this is greatly suppressed by the liberal mainstream media, because it does not fit their age

So many, many men suffer unecessarily because of lack of knowledge. I guarantee if schools taught about the harmful effects of Pornography, at the earliest stages of Primary education, We wouldn’t be faced with such a terrible epidemic of men’s mass degeneracy.

Because of my strong,  deep religious convictions. It was hard to give myself away completely to the dark world of sexual promiscuity. I read many websites that discussed this paralysing issue, stories of men and women alike plagued by this succumbus entity of Porn & Sex addiction. I read websites that discussed the scientific aspects of what Porn addiction looks like on the mind. I came to know things I never knew about, but still that wasn’t enough to completely steer me away from the crippling addiction.

“I came to find out that Iam more productive, more focused and agile, when I spent a long time without Ejaculating. So I managed to spend weeks at a time without Ejaculating. Then came 2 months, then 3. I was never able to spend more than that time without releasing.

I came to a point where I started devoting myself to a Spiritual life at one time. I went to the Religious meetings, I prayed intently to God for blessings and strength on my journey. I started a regular Bible study with a member of my congregation, I began routinely studying alone and cut back on hanging out with bad friends.

I came to a point where I felt like I was completely in control of my life & addiction, until that fateful day I finally landed my first decent Job in Retail.

It didn’t take me more than 2 Months to fall back completely  to my previous behaviour, The tough & stressful environment at work pushed me to start drinking again. I drank almost every week when I got paid on Mondays. I watched Porn now and again when I was off work, The many females at work that were giving me attention, the open flirting, the loosely clad females that frequented the store every day, Built up the intense amount of sexual tension in my mind & body that I just couldn’t take it anymore.

One day when I was off, I decided to go back to that old website I frequented a year ago. There was a much greater number of escorts than before, the number had grew immensely. There were also some (Escorts) who were in my own neighbourhood that
I didn’t know about. I managed to contact one of the girls I saw and went to her residence. come to find out she was living with the same Pimp I went to last time I was with my friend.

It happened again, I went home mild spirited, I didn’t perform well, AT ALL ! I told myself I need to prove a point to myself that I can do this, the right way the second time.

6 different girls later I came to found out I was waisting my time, you cannot satisfy a girl/women who make a living selling sex. I found myself wondering in the abyss of loneliness, Emptiness, Emotional and Spiritual Unfulfilleness.

I quit the job because of this. And after amassing some heavy credit card debt. I was mildly depressed, I felt like I had seen it all and done it all. My journey deep into the depths of Porn and sex obssetion was pointless. Life came to have no meaning. And I still to some extent, feel the same way today about it.

I had put all my mental and physical energy into this and it all came to be nothing. Completely meaningless. Years and years of obsessive devotion, led to to absolutely nothing beneficial. As 24 year old with no house, no car, no wife and no children.. It felt and still feels like I have nothing to live for. There are no significant accomplishments I’ve made in the last 24 years I’ve been alive in this place. Still living at home with parents, still struggling to buy food and basic amenities, still can’t afford to move and travel anywhere to seek any relevant work opportunities. It is hard. But being alive, being able to breathe, live and have Abit of your health still intact is a blessing. I look towards the future as having something or someone better for me. No more suffering, no more longing, no more searching for something that’s unattainable.

My Porn addiction journey ends here.”